lonely world

Beautiful mom can you smile?
Can you glow, can you sing me my favorite song?
Got fever, warm clothes are clean, kids are gone
What to do she's a sleeping sun.
She says birds fly out her window
She watches jealously
She says she's too old for new things
But mama you got wings

so, the cats out of the bag. im STRESSED.


ive tried so hard to hide it under a smile and a shrug but i guess eventually its bound to come out. i dont know what to do? go back to school to further more advance my knowledge? or get a job that i'll absolutely hate just to earn some greens. part of me thinks of just pursuing what i initially went to school for, cosmetology. but part of me wants to make MORE money doing something that'll make me feel good at the end of the day. going to school somewhere in the medical field is something my mom wanted me and my sisters to do as a permanent career. it sounds good, but am i capable? im sure if i put my heart into it id be able to do it. now my choice was to go back to school to become a teacher. i absolutely and undoubtedly loveeeee kids. i can be around them for hours. i remember working at la fitness in the kids section and as much as some of them drove me insane, i still loved seeing their little faces glow with happiness when id read them a book, draw them a picture, play wallball with them. it was priceless.

then theres the side of me that just wants to get a job that ill hate jus to make money. lately ive been stressed out financially. its not so much my problem but someone rather close to me. i want to help her out. i want to work hard, earn money, and just give it all to her. it makes me sad to see her stressed out about it. it makes me sad knowing that shes worried about so many other things that her financial struggles doesnt make it any easier for her. i just want her to be happy. i miss her smile. i miss when she didnt worry about all this stuff. sometimes i jus lay there with her and hug her because i want her to feel like eventually, at the end of this crazy mess, that everything will be okay. i cant help but cry when i think about all this stuff.

then i read risse's blog and thats when i think more than ever do i need god. that she needs god. that we all need god.

risses blog -"Matthew 11:28-30
28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

i pray everynight that he'll watch over her and make sure that shes being taken care of somehow because i know right now, i cant do it. n0w more then ever do i WISH i can take care of her. i see her struggle, and i see her trying to be the strong woman she once was and i know that shes trying her hardest not to let any of us worry. we'll be okay one day again, like we were before. we'll make it through. but for now, i gotta keep on being strong for her as well.

so im sorry to those who ive been not keeping in touch with. its nothing im trying to do intentionally. some say they think they can understand, but right now..i dont think anyone can. not even the boyfriend.